How to Trust Again (10 of 10)

risk-e1422636567732Granting trust involves several steps.

1. Want trust so eagerly that you’re willing to grant it. Trust feels cozy, safe, and bulletproof against upset. Trust flourishes when everyone follows the rules that govern the relationship. Trust feels relaxed, content, and confident that the other person is really there for you. It is what babies feel in their mother’s arms, it’s what young lovers feel in each other’s arms. It’s not an exaggeration to say trust equals bliss.

2. Dislike mistrust so eagerly you’re willing to renounce it. Not trusting feels safe but it’s lonely. The person who erects walls will never be vulnerable. The person who never lowers the drawbridge is protected from all possible betrayal. Refusing to let others into your world means you’ll never be hurt again. But it’s also impossible to connect with another person when there’s a giant emotional wall between you.

3. Like overcoming any fear, go slow. Stick your toe into the trust stream and see what happens. Go for twenty minutes without checking your betrayer’s phone, credit card expenditures, or internet history. Let your partner go places without having to report back to you. If while they’re gone you feel like climbing the walls, call a friend and do something fun yourself. Get your mind off the worry and insecurity. Extend the time longer and longer until you no longer play “probation officer.”

4. Tell yourself, “People are generally trustworthy and I’m not going to let one betrayer spoil my life.”

5. Ask yourself, “How would I want my partner to treat me if I’d betrayed them? Would I want another chance?”

6. Consider forgiving. It’s a process. Do not forgive too fast. But do consider the possibility of clearing their record and starting over. If the offense is too egregious and forgiveness isn’t an option, and you still want to stay with this person let’s hope they don’t mind living with an unforgiving mate.

7. Do not use your partner as your anti-anxiety drug. This is unhealthy on so many levels. Learn how to self soothe and differentiate. It’s not their job to reassure you; it’s yours.

8. Overcome ambivalence. Alice jumped into the rabbit hole—she didn’t cling to the edges. She jumped and experienced the wonderful, terrifying, interesting Wonderland. Quit waffling, take the plunge, and experience the wonderful, terrifying, and interesting world of emotional intimacy!

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